2011: The Year That Was

2011. In a word: exhausting. Life changes. Emotional upheaval. Self-examination. Refocusing.

“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” ~ The Wonder Years

I lost my job in February, which was devastating (and financially terrifying). But I learned two things. (1) As much as I enjoyed the job, it was slowly killing me. It was very much a 24/7 job, and I had come to a point that I had no hobbies, no relationships with friends, and had pretty much stopped going to church. I'd rather have all that stuff, and be mostly broke, and work a job that does absolutely nothing but provide a little income. (2) God is faithful. He's always faithful.

I picked up a freelance job in April, which allows me to still do what I love (work for a newspaper) without also sucking the life out of me. And in August I got a temporary/seasonal job at a book warehouse which, while I will never in a million years profess to love, definitely has perks: working with BOOKS, management with a hands-off style (something my personality requires!), and absolutely no responsibility or stress (which I really need in this season of my life).

I completely failed to keep any of my New Year's resolutions. One of those, to stay focused on my health, was an utter disaster, and I am not happy with myself about that. Depression (which I struggled with all year) does not mix well with caring about one's health. Ah, well. I'll get back on track. Soonish.

Another resolution was to concentrate more on my writing and to make progress on at least one of the novel ideas I have floating around in my head. But part of the refocusing I did this year was to come to place where I could admit that I really do not care about getting published. I had to let go of that concept of "What's the point of writing if not for publication?" I have story ideas. I have a God-given talent. But I just want to write for the joy of writing. And if God wants to somehow use my words, He will.

I'm coming back to a place of finding my passion for God. I slipped and I slid, and only when I came to a crisis in my life was I able to see how far I'd gone away from Him. While I regret the time I lost in growing in my relationship with Him, I can also see that it has served a purpose. I lost a lot of my preconceived notions and expectations, and am seeing God in an all-new light. He's the same, but very very different. And He's redefining my definitions of relationship and purpose and Kingdom.

And it's been interesting to see which friendships have remained as I have worked to clear away the rubble of my life. I'm sad that some friends have been lost, but very grateful for those that remain.

I've also had the time this year to rediscover some of the things that make my soul sing - art, theater, movies, music, books, cooking. Each of these things, in their own special way, makes me feel alive.

I am not who I was a year ago. And while I do not enjoy living through years like this one, in retrospect I'm always able to see why it was necessary and how it was wonderful.